Since my first year of college I have always been, “the other woman.” Coincidentally the girls who’s boyfriends have become my conquests have nearly always been named Caitlin (Katelyn, Caitlyn… you get the point). To this day, there hasn’t been a Caitlin that I have met that doesn’t sketch me out a little bit. Most of my “other woman” experiences have been short and sweet, in the beginning I would get easily attached, following that it became a game and following that I regained a portion of my dignity and started standing up for the girls that were being victimized and making vast attempts to change my mistress-ly ways. These experiences have led me to develop a cheating theory which, without fail, applies to all situations of cheating no matter how drunk you were, and how much you think you love your partner:
The Cheating Theory
If you cheat on your partner, you don’t actually care about them. I speak from the point of view of a cheater, a cheatee, and the cheated. If you are 110% in like, lust, or love with the person you are with the idea of cheating is foreign.
People only cheat for one reason, which can be triggered by a variety of circumstances… They find something in someone else that they do not see or experience with their partner. Whether this something is better sex, someone with a less argumentative nature, someone they can have a real conversation with or a combonation of several different factors. Emotional factors are generally more common in those who repeat offend with the same person (eg: the classic “other woman”). Physical ones (eg: looking for better sex) are generally fulfilled with one night stands. There are, however, exceptions to this when someone is confused and tries to fill an emotional/mental void with a physical experience and vice versa.
The fact of the matter is, when someone is blissfully happy and in love with their significant other they don’t have a void to fill and therefore the need to cheat is non-existant.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that everyone has an insatiable hunger for cheating one the relationship has gone awry. If that were the case couples would never break up. Believe it or not, there are real, live people in this world who have never cheated a day in their lives. The best explanation I can give as to why these people have never gone down the path of infidelity is either their moral compass tells them no, and they listen (kudos to your parents for instilling values in you), they have, in fact, found mister or miss right, their soulmate, and have absolutely no need to cheat, or they just haven’t had their opportunity (ha, ha, ha, i’m kidding… kind of).
In my experience I have found that a relationship can only truly be saved if the issue that was trying to be resolved is a small one (and the cheated is willing to change their behaviour in order to satisfy). Usually these are matters of “my girlfriend won’t do doggie style,” or “he’s always nagging me to take more time off of work,” etc. The other factor to go along with this is if the cheating has only occurred 1 or 2 times and the offending party feels guilty, confesses without a lot of hassle, and makes a committed effort to COMPROMISE* with their partner in order to make their relationship a happier environment for both.
*Compromise is key in a cheating situation. While I will never, ever say that any one deserves to be cheated on… ever, I will say that if the partner is willing to accept them back into their lives they have to be willing to understand that the relationship was broken for some reason (probably something they didn’t realize, or something completely out of their control). They too must be willing to commit to making the relationship a better one or else the offence will reoccur and the victim will end up hurting themselves more in the end. The old “you cheated, now you are my slave,” mentality is dead. It doesn’t work. Eventually the offending party will get tired of playing that game and either cheat again or leave because the relationship has become even more toxic of an environment than it was before the initial cheating had happened.
A relationship should completely fail when the offending party is clearly unhappy with several large aspects of their union, generally falling into the emotional/mental category, and the cheating occurs again and again (usually with the same person or people). When someone assumes a secret mistress (or man-tress) the betrayal is irreparable and the offender and victim should part ways. This is where the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” comes into play. Once they’ve cheated on you in excess, they are always going to cheat on you. The offender clearly has no remorse about what they have done, and therefore they have already given up hope that the relationship will ever be the pleasant environment that they long for. Game, set, match… It sucks, but say your goodbyes. Someone else will treat you better than that.
Now I know what you’re going to ask, “But if they found what he was looking for in this other person, then why didn’t they just leave me from the get-go?” Ah, but that would be too easy. Someone cheats because they’re looking to fill a void, not replace an entire person. So for arguments sake lets say that Bobby has been dating Hannah for 3 years and loves pretty much everything about her, but for the last year Hannah has seemed to have been wrapped up in her own problems and Bobby doesn’t feel that she really has time to listen to him anymore. In comes Crystal. Crystal works with Bobby and soon they become close friends. Bobby begins to confide in Crystal and spills all of his problems, including his issues with Hannah to her. Crystal makes Bobby feel awesome… They become closer, an attraction now builds between the two of them, their mental connection becomes physical and they sleep together. Here’s the kicker, Bobby gets to go home to Hannah, the woman he’s loved for 3 years, and continue to experience the other aspects of her that he does enjoy. When cheating occurs it’s because the offender was searching for a part of a person, not the whole thing. Would you replace an entire house just because one or two lightbulbs burned out? People are emotionally lazy, they get comfortable and don’t want to deal with the hassle of a huge change, so they will often do more damage to themselves and others around them before they will go through the turmoil of changing their life for the better. The less pain they think they can cause for themselves or their partner, the better. Unfortunately, the facade nearly always ends dramatically and it causes more pain and anguish for everyone involved as both relationships (the main and the side) get deeper and deeper.
Coming soon… Part #2 - A re-telling of my year long experience as a mistress.
For years I’ve said “I’m going to write a book about love and it’s going to help every girl my age get through what she’s going through!” This fabled book was supposed to be about my experiences in love during my college years… Well, we’re in the home stretch (last semester, ooh! ooh!) of my four year college career and where is this book you might ask? Struggling to leak out of my head and onto a piece of paper. The whole book writing process for me starts the same way every time… I sit down at my computer, I think about every guy who I have experienced love with over the past four years, I draw a blank on how to organize these stories, and then I resort to trying to decide what I’m going to rename each one of them to protect their identities (or rather my own ass from getting sued for slander.) I find it’s difficult to compile all of these experiences because my love story is still in progress (or at least I hope it still is, haven’t seen it poking it’s head around here lately). With the new year just 48 hours away I got into the usual “How am I going to overhaul my life?” conversation with myself, which led me to the desire to pay more attention to the direction of my career (an impending student debt will have that effect on you), get more serious about being active and healthy (a nice thought, but I give it about a week into the new year before that idea goes into hibernation until next year), and get back to writing my blogs (because I feel I owe it to my… 8… followers). Normally I’d think about it, laugh to myself “nice thought,” and then throw that idea into hibernation right beside staying healthy and active (ha, ha, ha)… but then I started to put two and two together. Blogs are like an on-going thing, people update their blogs on a regular basis right? My (and I’m fairly positive mostly every human beings) love life is always growing and being updated… Wham bam… I’m giving my story to the world, blog style.
So for the coming few weeks I’m going to play catch-up and compile all of my experiences and what I learned from them into this blog, and then hopefully by the time that happens I’ll have made new experiences for myself (but I’m not exactly counting on it).
Following this posting, I’m giving you the freshest experience of my love life… So enjoy.
world of jenks is only a good show when it profiles the stories of inspirational people. like the animal rescuer, the autistic kid, or the homeless girl… but, i really don’t give a flying fuck about watching how rich and famous maino thinks he is (i can only name one song maino is FEATURED in) or about what goes through the mind of a UFC fighter in the week leading up to his fight. in my opinion, that is the furthest from gripping television. yes, i realize we’re dealing with MTV here but, i mean, the buried life seems to consistently tackle and address stories with even a hint of substance. when i have to check the program guide to see what topic jenks is going to feature this week in order to decide if i’m going to watch it i’d say this show is at least a 50% fail.
this is a video i made for dan savage’s “IT GETS BETTER PROJECT”… please watch mine, and some of the other videos that have been created for the project.. and maybe, just maybe, if you’re feeling as passionate as i do about this, you could make your own video to support!
HELP STOP BULLYING, SUPPORT LGBT YOUTH AND CELEBRATE DIVERSITY!